Reflection.

As it gets closer and closer to Autumn's due date I feel like she's never going to get here. I know, I know- I should be thankful for the few good night rests I have left but I just want to have her here. I went to the doctors on Friday for a gel that should of helped soften my cervix. Turns out I was still only 1 cm dilated and it didn't really soften it too much. Now that is def. not the kind of news I wanted to hear today. Round two of the gel is this Friday (her due date) and if that doesn't work again than they are going to use something called a Foley Bulb. From what I've read from the research it's super uncomfortable and hurts, but it totally works to help you dilate. I go in for the Foley Bulb on Tuesday (my 21st birthday). Not the way I thought I'd be celebrating but well, that's okay.
I've been thinking a lot about everything lately and I wonder if Autumn isn't here because I need to organize things within myself more. I want to be a nuturing and loving mom but maybe issues from my past/fears that I have are stopping me from thinking I'm ready. I wanted her here for selfish reasons but reflecting on it more I realize I'm no where near ready. I'm not going to be the perfect mom because nobody is perfect-but I'm scared I won't be able to nuture my baby girl emotionally to help her become a wonderful woman. Don't get me wrong my mother was amazing, but I feel that she lacked some of that nuturing with me when I was a kid. I know everyone goes through a rough child hood but I think some of the things I experienced could have been avoided. Also, my lack of nuturing makes me develop a fear that I won't be able to nuture my own daughter in a BETTER way to make her a BETTER person. I just need to continue to remember these things so I can help her become a better person for the world. I don't know if this makes sense or if I'm just blabbing non-sense to you, but writing it out helps me to work it out within myself. Hopefully before we know it Autumn Madison LaBella will be born into this world! I'll be sure to keep you posted :D