Reflection.

As it gets closer and closer to Autumn's due date I feel like she's never going to get here. I know, I know- I should be thankful for the few good night rests I have left but I just want to have her here. I went to the doctors on Friday for a gel that should of helped soften my cervix. Turns out I was still only 1 cm dilated and it didn't really soften it too much. Now that is def. not the kind of news I wanted to hear today. Round two of the gel is this Friday (her due date) and if that doesn't work again than they are going to use something called a Foley Bulb. From what I've read from the research it's super uncomfortable and hurts, but it totally works to help you dilate. I go in for the Foley Bulb on Tuesday (my 21st birthday). Not the way I thought I'd be celebrating but well, that's okay.
I've been thinking a lot about everything lately and I wonder if Autumn isn't here because I need to organize things within myself more. I want to be a nuturing and loving mom but maybe issues from my past/fears that I have are stopping me from thinking I'm ready. I wanted her here for selfish reasons but reflecting on it more I realize I'm no where near ready. I'm not going to be the perfect mom because nobody is perfect-but I'm scared I won't be able to nuture my baby girl emotionally to help her become a wonderful woman. Don't get me wrong my mother was amazing, but I feel that she lacked some of that nuturing with me when I was a kid. I know everyone goes through a rough child hood but I think some of the things I experienced could have been avoided. Also, my lack of nuturing makes me develop a fear that I won't be able to nuture my own daughter in a BETTER way to make her a BETTER person. I just need to continue to remember these things so I can help her become a better person for the world. I don't know if this makes sense or if I'm just blabbing non-sense to you, but writing it out helps me to work it out within myself. Hopefully before we know it Autumn Madison LaBella will be born into this world! I'll be sure to keep you posted :D

Almost here!

So we are all moved in and Autumn's room is all ready for her! Things could not be better with Robby and I so far. I know as the date gets closer he becomes more nervous about being a father but I have such confidence in him. He has such a compassionate heart and the second he lays his eyes on her he's going to truly fall in love. Autumn's room got completely finished about 2 days ago. I've been working on it slowly but my nesting fever took over and I've been having to make everything perfect. On top of her room I've also turned my nesting fever on to the rest of the house haha Robby thinks I'm crazy but everything has to be PERFECT :) She could come anyday now and I am SO ready to meet my little girl. She is going to be so perfect. I thought this day would never come and now it is right around the corner. My dad is going to France for business the 12th-19th so let's hope she either comes before than or after he gets back. I've been going to the doctors weekly now, so tomorrow she will check me out again and see if I'm any closer to dropping!
We went and got maternity pictures taken a couple days ago. Robby was so amazing about the whole thing. We got some REALLY good shots and I can't wait to hang them up on our walls. This whole past year has held some completely unexpected surprises but I am so excited to see what the next years unfold for me. I have a wonderful boyfriend, daughter and family-I honestly couldn't ask for anything more!

Moving!

So we got the apartment :) I couldn't be more excited. We're going to be closer to Robby's work and the hospital and it's in a really awesome neighborhood. We went and signed all of the final paperwork today and if everything goes well we can move in by Friday! But we arn't going to move our furniture until Monday or anything. So if we get the keys on Friday we can slowly start to move boxes over so it's not AS stressful! I'm so excited for Autumn to have her own room and for me and Robby to start our little family together. He is doing such an amazing job of working hard and being a provider and I don't know what I'd do without him. He is literally my rock and I know most girls don't have that when they get put in situations like mine. I just keep reminding myself how blessed I truly am to have a real MAN like Robby :)

Besides trying to get everything organized I'm still trying to balance school. So far so good. I've been keeping up on my homework and studying for my tests. I havn't failed one yet but I got a 72 on my Sociology test and it didnt make me too happy. I'm trying to aim for higher grade scores this year. I actually have this motivation inside me now to make a name for myself and I know I can thank Autumn for that. She's given me a whole new meaning for life and I simply love it.

My babyshower is this weekend too! I can't wait to see everyone all gathered together and that also means we're super close to having ourselves a baby girl! Ahh I cannot wait for her to get here. I'm supposed to get another ultrasound but I never got the paperwork and no one ever called me back so I guess that just means I'll have to go in there tomorrow. :) I hate it when places do this but being assertive is the only way to get things down sadly!

I'm going to finish packing and than relax with Robby. Hopefully the next time I write in this thing I'll be in the new apartment! Eeeek! <3

Foot in the ribs.

So I started this last week off with a foot in my ribs. I got all the way to school and couldn't even walk it was so painful! I called my doctor and she had me come in because they wanted to be sure it wasn't serious. Just turns out she is comfy with her foot in my ribs haha every now and than I have to reposition her. Besides missing yet another day of school everything has been going well. They told me my low line placenta problem had been fixed but that she was measuring on the little side. I guess she only weighed 2.5 pounds when she was 28 weeks and she she weigh a little more than that. The doctor told me thats normal though because I'm such a tiny girl if I carried a 10 pound baby I would probably not be able to move haha :) I go back again tomorrow to check on her and I know we have to go back for another ultrasound in the next couple weeks.

I've been making great grades in school. Passing all my tests and actually doing the homework and showing up (whenever Autumn lets me!). I hope my teacher's will really work with me once the baby comes. I'm hoping that if I do super well in the class that they'll see I worked hard and reward me for it. But I guess I can stress over that too much, I'll find out whenever the time comes!

We also applied for an apartment closer to the PV side of town. It's a two bedroom, one bath for 550 a month. It's a great deal and the apartments arn't even that bad at all! Plus Autumn could have her very own room! The only thing standing in our way is my credit history. Thanks to a loser ex-boyfriend I had to skip out of a lease I had on an apartment. I pray it doesn't come up as 'EVICTION' because if it does the apartment complex won't take us :( If it just shows I bailed on the leave and my credit is crappy than they'll take us, but most likely raise the deposit (which isnt a big deal). I'm def. praying to God for this one. I know everything happens for a reason with him and if we were meant to get this apartment, we will. Sometimes you just get so caught up in the small picture that you forget about the bigger one. Hopefully everything works out. I'm trying not to stress too much about it, but it is hard. Considering I will feel super bad if we don't get this apartment because of me. Ohhhh well, this is me putting it in God's hands. Okay I am NOT touching it anymore :)

Well I should be doing homework and not writing in this thing so I better get back to my good grade :)

On thr right track.

So we went to the ultrasound today and everything is looking healthy. I have a lot of fluid in the placenta so it makes me appear bigger than I am. I'm glad I got to see my baby girl though & how much she has grown! You can actually see her facial features, it's so amazing! I'm starting to get nesting fever and want to start decorating her room ASAP. I have to wait until it's all cleared out though (which hopefully is soon!) I want to get everything organized & it's killing me. My money situation doesn't help either. I'm not loaded with money so I have to do her room in sections/parts. Oh well, It'll happen when it happens.

Robby has been so amazing lately. He's working super hard every week and spoils me when he can. He's out buying me cookies as we speak with the last money he has this week, now if that isn't love I don't know what is :) He makes me so happy inside and I feel so confident and full when I'm with him. There is no doubt in my mind-he is going to be an amazing father to Autumn. I just can't wait for him to meet her either. I feel so connected with her already but they say dad's don't feel it until they first hold their child. Mmm, that moment is going to be one of the best of my life. <3

Unexpected surprise.

So school started and I've been super busy with that. I've now limited my work availability to weekends so I have much more time to RELAX and not STRESS :) My uncle got married this weekend so me & Autumn took a trip down to Mexico for a day. It was kind of fun all the family drama aside. & the drive there is nerve racking with all the cartel stuff going on down there but we made it home safe & sound!

I went to the doctors yesterday & she told me that my belly size is measuring around 33 weeks. So she's sending me to get another ultrasound tomorrow & I finally get to see my babygirl! It feels like it's been forever (and it kind of has) so it's exciting. We would of had to pay 150 dollars to get another ultrasound but since the doctor wants to see her size she scheduled one, so it's covered! Whew :) Part of me wants her to be 33 weeks already but I'm no where close to being ready so either way I'm completely content.

Schools going really well so far. Most of my teachers said they would work with me so hopefully they do once Autumn gets here. I don't want to take a break for fear I won't go back but I don't want to put in the effort & than have it do me no good. Oh well, I guess we'll just have to wait & find out!

Time slowly rolls by.

The last doctors apt. was amazing. They didn't do an ultrasound or anything but they checked her heartbeat & she's all healthy! I feel her kick ALL the time now. It's hilarious actually. I'll eat something or just be talking to someone and she just kicks her little heart away. I love the feeling though because it makes me feel like shes saying "hey mom". Work is becoming a ridiculous place. I almost hate going & by the end of my 6 hour day my back is KILLING me. I know Autumn isnt a lot of weight it's still heavy on my back. Hopefully Robby will be getting 40 hours at his new store so I can cut down on hours. We held headphones up to my belly the other night. First we played the Red Hot Chili Peppers and she didn't even move a muscle. Than we started to play some Tech N9ne & Sublime and she was dancing, I swear. It was quite funny actually! Next time were going to download classical music so that she can become a smart baby ;] I'm sure it's just a myth but it's worth the try haha Robby has been talking to her more. It's so cute to see her respond to his voice though! She kicks right where he talks to her so I'm sure by the time she comes out she will know daddys voice. He is going to be such a good father I can't wait to see him with her. They say a dad doesn't feel like a dad until he see's his child. I think he knows he's going to be a dad but it hasnt fully hit him yet, once shes born I'm sure it will hit him even MORE. Ahhh the time flys by but at the same time can't come any faster. I want to just meet her already. Ohh well only 117 days left! Wooo! :]

Anticipation

So I'm hitting the stage where I wish I could just meet her now. Even though she's still growing I'm just in so much anticipation to MEET her. I feel like I love her so much even though I havn't even met her yet. I also can't wait to start making her room. I think it's all becoming a little more real now. I only have 146 days to go and I know that may seem like forever but it really isnt. I can't believe that I'm already 19 weeks pregnant! It seems like a month or two ago we just found out.

Even though I havn't had her yet I find myself becoming like a parent. When I listen to music in the car I think, "would this influence Autumn?". I feel like I'm becoming such an old hag for my age but if I want to be a great Mommy than I have to start acting like one. I may not have a lot of money at first but I will love this child more than ANYONE and give her all the attention & care she needs. I won't ever tell her she was a mistake or an unconvience, she is a BLESSING and I am SO thankful for her.

I came home from work to a candlelight dinner from the boyfriend. He is going to be such a good father, I can't wait to see him with her. He has such a soft and caring heart for the people in his life and I absolutely cannont wait to see the father he is going to be. I can only hope to be such a good mother. I know he worries about raising a child right now but I have full confidence in him that he will do an amazing job- we both will <3

Autumn Madison Labella, we love you SO much already. Everyday I think about you & the wonderful things you are going to do in this world. No matter what you will always have me and your father supporting and loving you endlessly. Even if it seems like we are 'mean' parents, just remember- we are doing what is best for your life. I cannot wait to meet you & the love I have for you grows more and more each day. We love you baby girl. Love, your parents :)

She's offically a girl :)

Went to the ultrasound tech place on Friday. Baby girl decided to give the poor tech a hard time & kept moving around a lot (we will fail to mention the fact that Mom had a few sips of Pepsi so she was probably really hyper!) Everything looks great & they verified she's a GIRL! I got to see her hiccup for the first time & see her kick my insides. She is quite the little mover though. It was so comforting to see her. She's grown a lot since the last time & almost all of her features are developed. Robby seemed to really enjoy it too, even though we where in there so long he kind of started to doze off ;] haha I can't wait for the next one already!

I joined a gym so that way I don't eat myself to death. I've been pretty good at managing it but I just really wanna stay healthy. Other than working all the time, nothing is really new. Summer school ends this week so I'll have a month to relax before school starts again. That'll be nice :) My mom started to get ideas for the baby shower too. She's pretty excited & I can't wait to see how it turns out! Sadly a lot of my family doesn't quite seem SO supportive. They make it seem like they're excited & want to be involved but than they say mean things. I don't know if it's my hormones or what but I don't need any negative vibes right now ya dig?

I just can't wait to meet her already. I have such a long ways & I'm already SO anxious. I see everyone with their cute babies & it makes me just want to hold mine. Oh well, she will come when she's ready! I just hope I can still fall asleep by the time I'm 7 months pregnant..It's already quite the struggle!

It's a girl :D

Soo we went in for the ultrasound that tells you if your baby has down syndrome or any other abnormalities they can find out & let you know ahead of time. Turns out baby is perfectly fine! Also when we went in the ultrasound tech said it's lookin like our little peanut is going to be a GIRL! I'm so excited. I know we were both looking forward to a boy but now that I know it's a girl I'm slowly starting to see the amazing advantages. I get to dress her up and watch her as she gets older and discovers makeup, boys and everything else we girls get to experience :) Robby's pretty excited too. The only thing he's worried about is BOYS. He knows how a young mans eye wander and he's already super proctective of our little one, it's so cute! I went to this buy buy baby store and I could of done some SERIOUS damage. It's huge and amazing! Everything we could have ever imagined in ONE store. It was quite impressive. I'm going to take Robby there today and were going to register :) Everything is looking well, baby is healthy & we couldn't be happier! I only wish this all day sickness thing would go away, it's starting to become such a pain! Ahhh the joys of motehrhood :)

Bayybayy!

So after working 8 days in a row I now get to enjoy 3 days off! Yessss :D My doctors apt went wonderful. She didn't do an ultrasound or anything but we heard the baby moving & it's heartbeat. I almost teared up inside I was so touched! I was kind of bummed because I wanted to see how much my babies grown but on Tuesday I have another doctors apt & they'll do an ultrasound than. They are going to do this sort of test to see if the baby has any signs of down syndrome or anything else. Whatever the outcome may be I'll love my little peanut more than anything..but it still is a scary thought to think something would be abnormal about my baby. Oh well I'll take whatever God gives me. I really want to go get my nails done but I think I'd rather spend the 40 dollars on baby stuff..I've been in the mood to just go to stores and browse around. I havn't done that yet so I'll most likely do that on one of my days off. Ahh Tuesday could not come ANY quicker! Now I'm going to continue to watch My Super Sweet 16, it's my new addiction along with Teen Mom & all those other MTV shows haha :D

growing painss

So my bodies been going through some crazy growing changes recently. I'm already starting to get a tummy and I there's only certain foods that I can eat without throwing up (ew!). I go in for another doctors apt on Tuesday so hopefully all is well with Baby LaBella! I'm still torn between if I want to find out the sex or not..part of me wants to & the other part wants to keep it a surprise. I just want to plan accordingly like if it's a girl get all girly pink stuff. Robert's fine either way he just want to do what makes me happy but it doesnt help my decision! Ahhh! I don't know I still have a couple weeks to think about it anyways. Work has been crazy these past couple of weeks. I've been working 8 hour days and adding up about 36 to 40 hours a week. My back kills me by the end of the day and if it already hurts me now I can't imagine what it's going to be like when I get a bigger belly! It seems that I never sleep at night anymore either. I get these weird aches and pains and I know it's just my body growing and stretching for the baby but it's horrible when you have to work in the morning! Thank god robby is great at giving me massages..hopefully it lasts a while hahaha Right now I'm just anxious to get to my doctors visit & see how much bigger my little peanut is! :D Ahhh Tuesday couldn't come any sooner!!

breaking the news.

I never thought in a million years that I would be a mom, especially at 20 years old. I'm finding that things I never thought about before are constantly on my mind. Luckily I have amazing support from my family and friends but it's still a learning process in itself. My body is going through changes I never though possible, but it's for such a beautiful cause. I have such mixed feelings about the whole thing. I'm going to bring a life into this world and I'm sacrificing my body, my youth and my life. It's all well worth it.

Thank goodness I have such an amazing boyfriend. He may be younger be he certainly is much wiser than his age. He's been my support and has never once given up hope in me. Even when I'm yelling and crying for no reason, he holds my hand and tells me he loves me. His love is unconditional and I'm so excited to see the amazing father he's going to be. This blog is going to contain everything I experience throughout my pregnancy. The good, the bad, the happy and the sad-it will all be right here. So excuse the hormones taking over my mind every once in a while, in 7 months I'll be back to normal with a wonderful baby <3